I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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