how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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