he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
