do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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