The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
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