My sheets look like a crime scene.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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