Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
