I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
