We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
