Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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