Acid is not a monday night drug
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
