oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
