Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
