Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
