Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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