I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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