this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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