When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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