My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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