Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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