Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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