i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
