Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
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