im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
