For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
