Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
