WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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