sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Mom said you looked used
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
