I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
