If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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