Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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