i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
