Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
