My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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