You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
time to smoke my breakfast
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
