dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Randomize
