I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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