It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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