She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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