if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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