you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
