When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
