Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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