Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
