I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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