my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
