I got chris browned last night
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
