Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
