he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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