I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
