I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
