I will die if light touches me.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
