Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
