Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize