when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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