i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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