im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I came so hard my ears popped.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
