Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
