Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
